I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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