sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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