9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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