theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
