I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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