I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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