I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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