if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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