So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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