"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
