Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Randomize
