No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
