guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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