I want to have your abortion
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
