somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
