I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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