I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize