I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
