jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
