she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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