I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize