The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
