If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
