the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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