My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
it was like eating out sand paper
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
