no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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