Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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