how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
