Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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