I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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