We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
