Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
