I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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