You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
