My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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