im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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