forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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