I'm laying in your front yard are you home
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
