I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The uberlube is also flammable
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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