why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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