pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
