Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
