im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize