Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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