well I can't set my house on fire every night
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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