I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
