My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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