Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize