So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
