Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
