I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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