Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize