Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
