I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
