Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
