think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
