What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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