these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
