The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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