A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You dont lie about slip and slides
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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