I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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