I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
