did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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