Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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