The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
