Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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