I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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