Pants 0. Shit 1.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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